Who doesn’t know this catchy Eric Clapton song from 1998? I use to play this song in my family constellation workshops to help the client to make peace with his father after he has lost the connection to him, often through separation of the parents when he was a child.
Either the situation at that time or one of the parents doesn’t allow for the relationship between the son and the father to continue in a harmonious way. This can cause great suffering in the child, which often turns into anger towards his father in later years.
Finding what mends…
These deep in the soul of the son embedded emotions of anger and judgement against the father can come from an accusation that the father left him or the child takes over the emotion of his mother of anger, grief, hurt, insecurity, or shame when the father left the family.
In a family constellation this dynamic clearly shows when the representative of the son isn’t able to look at the representative of his father. Or the father isn’t able to make contact with the son out of feelings of having failed, shame, being judged, being excluded and unloved.
What is the solution here? An experienced and well trained facilitator in the New Family Constellation method of Bert Hellinger would not force the representatives of the son or father to make contact against the will of the represented family members. Rather, the facilitator has to add what’s missing (or better the one person that is missing) to the constellation to find what mends the relationship and what brings relief to their souls.
In these cases, I choose another participant of the workshop and places him/her a few steps behind the father: he/she is representing his father, the grandfather of the son. I then ask the father to turn around and to look at his father while I play the song:
Sailing down behind the sunEric Clapton 1998
Waiting for my prince to come
Praying for the healing rain
To restore my soul again
Just a toe rag on the run
How did I get here?
What have I done?
When will all my hopes arise?
How will I know him?
When I look in my father’s eyes
My father’s eyes
Then the light begins to shine
And I hear those ancient lullabies
And as I watch this seedling grow
Feel my heart start to overflow
Where do I find the words to say?
How do I teach him?
What do we play?
Bit by bit, I’ve realized
That’s when I need them
That’s when I need my father’s eyes
Then the jagged edge appears
Through the distant clouds of tears
I’m like a bridge that was washed away
My foundations were made of clay
As my soul slides down to die
How could I lose him?
What did I try?
Bit by bit, I’ve realized
That he was here with me
And I looked into my father’s eyes
If you look closely at the lyrics of this song they’re wrapping up the dynamic behind a broken father/son relationship. Through the vibration of the music these words sink into their souls beyond time and space and help to break the ice between grandfather and father which gives way for the father to reconnect with his son (the prince in the song).
At the end of the family constellation all 3 generations experiencing the Flow of Love and the heart to heart connection again and the client feels a great relief like a heavy burden has been taken off his shoulders. He now is able to let more freedom and happiness into his life, feeling strong again with the soul-support of his father and grandfather.
Hari Om to our fathers and sons!