Fertility, Family Systems, and Creating Space for New Life to Arrive
The path toward parenthood has changed profoundly in recent decades.
Today, families are created in many different ways:
- naturally,
- through IVF and fertility treatment,
- with egg or sperm donation,
- through surrogacy,
- within same-sex partnerships,
- blended families,
- co-parenting structures,
And yet, beneath all forms of parenthood, one essential human longing remains the same:
The longing to love, nurture, and welcome life.
In Family Constellation work, we approach these journeys not through judgement or ideology, but through the lens of connection, belonging, and Bert Hellinger’s Orders of Love.
Because every child belongs.
And every path toward parenthood carries both unique gifts and unique systemic dynamics that deserve to be seen with honesty and compassion.
Beyond “Traditional” Parenthood
Much of the conversation around fertility focuses on the physical process:
- hormones,
- fertility treatment,
- reproductive medicine,
- donor selection,
- pregnancy,
- and medical outcomes.
But Family Constellation work invites another layer of awareness:
What emotional, relational, and systemic field is this child arriving into?
This question applies equally to:
- heterosexual couples,
- same-sex couples,
- single parents,
- donor conception,
- surrogacy,
- adoption,
- and assisted reproduction.
The Orders of Love are not about rigid social structures.
They are about whether love, truth, belonging, and respect can flow within a family system, and about who belongs to the Family System of a parent or child and where they have their rightful place.
The Inner Readiness of the Future Parents
Whether a child is conceived naturally or through assisted reproduction, the journey into parenthood often asks both women and men to face deep inner movements.
For women, there may be:
- grief,
- fear,
- previous losses,
- pressure around age or fertility,
- unresolved relationships with the mother,
- or questions around identity and motherhood.
For men, there may be:
- fears around responsibility,
- performance pressure,
- feelings of inadequacy,
- unresolved father relationships,
- or silent emotional burdens carried through generations.
For same-sex couples, additional layers may arise:
- societal judgement,
- exclusion,
- questions around biological connection,
- legal and emotional complexity,
- or the deep longing to create a family despite external obstacles.
And for intended parents using donor conception or surrogacy, there may also be:
- gratitude,
- grief,
- ambivalence,
- fear of not being “the real parent,”
- or uncertainty around how to speak truthfully with the child later.
These are profoundly human experiences.
And in constellation work, they can be approached gently, respectfully, and without shame.
Egg Donation, Sperm Donation & Surrogacy Through a Systemic Lens
One of the most important principles in Family Constellations is:
What belongs, must be allowed to belong.
This means that within the Orders of Love, everyone who contributed to the existence of the child has a particular place in the Family System.
This include:
- the biological mother,
- the biological father,
- the donor,
- the surrogate and adoption parent, not replacing mothers/fathers place, but destined to help
- previous pregnancies,
- and even children who were not born.
Systemic difficulties can sometimes arise when someone important is emotionally excluded, denied, hidden, or erased from the story, mostly when on or both birth parents are not spoken off, including a donor. Family Constellation work has proven time again, that children do not long for perfection, but they need truth, acknowledgement, and emotional connection on a soul-level.
Same-Sex Parenthood and the Orders of Love
Family Constellation work does not judge love between two women or two men. Love itself is never the problem. What matters systemically is whether:
- each person is respected in their role,
- previous relationships are acknowledged,
- The child’s origins are honoured,
- and whether the child feels free to belong to all parts of their story.
Children naturally seek connection to where they come from. This does not diminish the love of the parents raising them. Rather, it acknowledges a deeper systemic reality: that identity grows stronger when nothing essential is excluded.
When children are allowed to hold love for everyone connected to their existence, inner conflict often reduces significantly.
Fertility Treatment and the Emotional Field
IVF, donor conception, and surrogacy can be emotionally intense journeys.
Many people experience:
- repeated hope and disappointment,
- physical exhaustion,
- financial pressure,
- grief,
- shame,
- relationship strain,
- and deep uncertainty.
Sometimes, over time, the process itself becomes emotionally overwhelming.
In constellation work, we occasionally observe that couples begin relating more to procedures, medical timelines, and anxiety than to the deeper movement of preparing emotionally and relationally for the arrival of a child. This does not mean treatment is wrong. Rather, Family Constellations can offer a complementary space where emotional truth, grief, hope, fear, and systemic entanglements can be acknowledged alongside the medical journey.
The Child’s Experience
A child arrives not only into a body or a home. A child arrives at a family field, emotional bonds, ancestral stories, spoken truths and unspoken realities.
Children are often deeply sensitive to what is hidden, and sometimes the greatest gift parents can offer is not perfection — but openness, honesty, and inclusion.
Within the Orders of Love, everyone has a place, truth creates stability, and belonging allows Love to flow freely.
A New Understanding of Parenthood
Perhaps parenthood today invites humanity into a broader, more conscious understanding of family. One that moves beyond rigid forms and asks deeper questions:
- Can love include truth?
- Can complexity be acknowledged without shame?
- Can children feel connected to all who belong?
- Can parents honour both biology and emotional parenthood?
- Can difficult journeys toward conception also become paths of healing?
At Family Constellation VIRTUAL, we offer a safe and compassionate space to explore all questions, emotions, uncertainties, and deeper dynamics surrounding the wish for a child, whether you are a single person, a couple, or someone offering support as a donor, surrogate, or adoptive parent.
Through our online workshops, one-on-one sessions, and trainings, we gently explore the hidden dynamics, soul relationships, and ancestral entanglements that may be influencing the path toward parenthood. Together, we seek to untangle what may be standing in the way, restore connection and belonging within the family system, and support a conscious, joyful, and grounded path into parenthood for all involved.
With love
Maia
We talk about how adoptions work within the Orders of Love in our podcast, find it and listen to it on our Podcast page.