Understanding Relationships with the Orders of Love
This year, 2025, marks what would have been Bert Hellinger’s 100th birthday. We remember him not only as the founder of Family Constellations, but as a teacher of the heart—a man who dedicated his life to helping people understand love, suffering, and the deep soul ties that connect us all. His profound work teaches us about relationships and what makes them last.
We are shaped, guided, and held—sometimes painfully, sometimes lovingly—by the people who came before us, those who surround us now, and even those we’ve never met.
But why are relationships sometimes so difficult? Why do we repeat painful patterns, feel stuck in love, or carry burdens that don’t seem to be ours? Why do people hold on to unhealthy relationships?
Through his groundbreaking method of Family Constellations, Bert Hellinger demonstrated that love requires order to flow. When the hidden dynamics in our Family System are acknowledged and seen with compassion, we can return to the natural Flow of Life and Love—what he called ‘die Ordnungen der Liebe’, translated from German to: The Orders of Love.
The Three Basic Needs in Relationships
Hellinger discovered that every relationship—whether with a parent, partner, child, or even an ancestor—rests on three deep soul needs:
1. The Need to Belong
We all long to belong. From the moment we are born, our heart reaches for connection—with our mother, our father, our family.
When someone in the family is forgotten, excluded, or pushed away—perhaps due to trauma, loss, shame, or silence—the Family System reacts. Often without realising it, someone later in the family will carry that pain, trying to restore wholeness.
Family Constellations gently help us acknowledge who or what has been left out, so Love can flow again and opens new doors to healthy relationships.
Paula’s Story:
Paula had always struggled to feel close to her mother. No matter how much she tried to please her, a quiet distance remained. In her adult relationships, she often felt invisible—like she never fully belonged. During a Family Constellation session, a hidden truth emerged: before Paula was born, her mother had miscarried her first child—a deeply longed-for baby who was mourned privately, but never spoken of again. Although this child was never born, they were still Paula’s older sibling. Yet, in the silence that followed the loss, they have never truly been acknowledged as part of the family.
Out of love and loyalty, Paula had unconsciously carried the burden of this missing sibling—trying to fill the space left behind, while also feeling like she didn’t have a rightful place herself. Once this sibling was honoured and given a place in the family system, something shifted. Paula felt a new closeness with her mother, and her sense of self began to settle. For the first time, she felt truly seen—within her family and in her relationships.
2. The Need for Order
There is a natural order in all things. Parents come before children. The first partner comes before the second. Every family member has a rightful place.
When this order is disrupted—for example, when a child takes on the emotional burden of a parent, or a sibling is not acknowledged—relationships become confused or burdened.
Restoring order allows peace, respect, and strength to return to the Family System and to our hearts.
Steven’s Story:
Steven had always felt responsible for his mother. From a young age, he became her emotional support—comforting her during arguments with his father, managing her moods, and making sure she felt okay. As a boy, he learned to put his own needs aside and ‘be strong’ for her. As an adult, Steven struggled with anxiety and burnout. In his romantic relationships, he often found himself overwhelmed by his partner’s emotions, repeating the same pattern—being the helper, the fixer, the one who holds it all together.
In a Family Constellation, it became clear: Steven had taken on the role of a partner to his own mother. The natural order—where the parent gives and the child receives—had been disrupted. Once this was acknowledged in the constellation, he could begin to release the burden. With a deep bow to his mother, he gave the responsibility back and reclaimed his rightful place as the son. Afterwards, Michael reported feeling lighter, more energised, and more at ease in his relationship. For the first time, he was learning how to receive—without guilt or fear—and to trust others to carry their own weight.
3. The Need for Balance
Love also needs balance. In relationships, especially between partners, there must be a natural give and take.
If one gives too much and the other cannot return it, the bond weakens. Resentment, guilt, or distance may grow.
Family Constellation helps us see the deeper reasons why we over-give or struggle to receive and to unveil hidden Family Dynamics as the source of an unhealthy relationship. With awareness, we begin to bring love back into balance.
Emma’s and Leo’s Story:
Emma was always the giver in her relationships. With her partner Leo, she did everything—planned holidays, managed the house, supported him through career changes, and tried to make him happy no matter what. Leo appreciated her, but over time, he became more distant and emotionally withdrawn. Emma felt exhausted and unfulfilled, silently wondering, “Why am I the only one trying?”
In a Family Constellation, Emma uncovered a hidden ancestral pattern that had shaped generations of women in her maternal line. She found herself entangled with a distant female ancestor—a woman who had endured an abusive relationship and learned that the only way to stay safe was to obey, to give endlessly, and to expect nothing in return. This survival strategy had quietly echoed through time. Emma began to see the same pattern in her own life. Her mother, too, had given everything to Emma’s father—until he eventually left the family. And now Emma, without realising it, had been doing the same in her own relationships: over-giving, hoping for love, and silently bracing for abandonment.
The constellation revealed the cost of this loyalty—how love, distorted by fear, had turned into sacrifice. But it also opened the door to healing. By seeing and honouring the original woman who carried this pain, Emma could finally release the burden. She no longer had to carry the belief that love requires self-erasure. With this insight, a new path became possible—for Emma, her mother, and the generations to come.
Afterwards, Emma began to ask for what she needed, to say no without guilt, and to allow Leo space to give back. Their relationship started to rebalance, and both felt more connected and respected.
Returning to the Flow of Love
When these three basic needs are met, our relationships become a source of joy and nourishment, not struggle. We feel freer, stronger, and more connected—to ourselves and to those we love.
This is not about blaming anyone. In fact, it’s the opposite. Family Constellation invites us to see, often for the first time, how much love and loyalty we carry—even when it shows up in the form of pain. And it shows us how to make a shift—from burden to blessing.
Through a single constellation, something begins to move. Not just in the mind, but in the heart and soul. Often, clients describe a sense of deep peace, relief, or insight—something they have never felt before.
A Personal Invitation
As we celebrate Bert Hellinger’s legacy this year, let’s take a moment to reflect on our own relationships. Is there someone you feel distant from? A repeating pattern you don’t understand? A longing to feel more connected and whole?
Family Constellation gently guides you to the place where healing begins—not by changing others, but by changing your relationship to the unseen stories you carry. We at Family Constellation VIRTUAL offer one-on-one sessions, workshops, and trainings to explore the soul relationships that shape our lives and to find what heals them.
Let’s bring the Orders of Love back into our lives!
With love, Maia