That’s how romantic relationships often feel: deeply personal.
We fall in love.
We struggle.
We separate.
We try again.
All the while believing it is all about me and the other person.
It just wasn’t the right one.
Next time I’ll find THE ONE, and then it will be happy ever after.
Does this sound familiar? Does it feel like the story of your life?
If so, you’re not alone. For many people searching for happiness in lasting relationships, this becomes a kind of merry-go-round: different partners, but the same issues repeating again and again.
But what if there is another way to look at romantic relationships?
What if relationships are not personal at all?
A Systemic View of Love
From the perspective of Family Constellations, intimate relationships are rarely only personal. They are deeply systemic.
When two people come together as a couple, it is never just two individuals meeting.
It is two family systems meeting; each with its own history, loyalties, losses, exclusions, and unfinished stories.
Why Love Can Feel So Hard
Many people come to Family Constellation work asking:
- Why do I keep choosing unavailable partners?
- Why does intimacy feel unsafe, even when I love my partner?
- Why do the same conflicts repeat, again and again?
Systemically, these patterns usually do not begin in the current relationship.
Unconsciously, we may be:
- loyal to a parent’s suffering
- repeating the fate of a grandparent
- carrying unresolved grief or exclusion from the family system
- standing in a place that does not truly belong to us
Love, in this sense, is not blind. It is loyal: Loyal to the Family System.
A Real-Life Example
Anna (name changed) came to a constellation workshop because all her relationships ended the same way.
She described herself as committed, loving, and emotionally available, yet her partners always withdrew or eventually left.
When we looked at her family system, something important became visible.
Anna was deeply connected to her mother, who had been abandoned by Anna’s father when Anna was very young. As a child, Anna had unconsciously taken on the role of emotional partner for her mother.
In the constellation, Anna was standing with her mother, facing away from potential partners. Her mother, in turn, was looking into the distance. When we placed a representative where her mother was looking, the deeper story emerged.
Anna’s mother had lost her own father at birth during the war and had never been able to complete her grief. Later, she chose a partner – Anna’s father – who also left when Anna was still young, repeating her original loss.
Out of deep loyalty to her mother, Anna had unknowingly taken this fate forward.
Systemically, Anna could not fully turn toward a man because her deepest loyalty was still bound to her mother’s unresolved grief. The work first needed to address the soul relationship between Anna’s mother and her grandfather in order to restore the Flow of Love.
When Anna acknowledged her mother’s fate and gently returned what did not belong to her, something shifted. She was able to step back into her rightful place as the daughter.
Only then could she truly turn toward a partner as an equal: not as a rescuer, replacement, or protector.
This shift did not ‘fix’ her relationships overnight. But it changed where she was standing.
And from a different place, different choices became possible.
The Orders That Support Love
In Family Constellation work, romantic relationships are supported when certain systemic principles are respected:
- Everyone belongs – excluded family members often appear as relationship difficulties
- Order matters – parents come before children; past partners come before new ones
- Balance between giving and taking – equality strengthens adult love
- Each person carries their own fate – acknowledging that everyone carries their own burden
When these orders are disturbed, love becomes heavy. When they are restored, love can flow more freely.
Love Grows When We Stand in Our Rightful Place
Family Constellations do not tell us who to love or whether to stay or leave.
They reveal where we are standing in the system and whether that place truly belongs to us.
From our rightful place:
- we meet our partner as an adult, not as a child
- we choose, rather than repeat
- we love with openness, not obligation
Romantic relationships become lighter; not because life is perfect, but because we are no longer carrying what is not ours.
An Invitation
If you notice repeating patterns in your relationships, it may not be a sign that something is wrong with you.
It may be a sign that something in your Family System is asking to be seen.
Family Constellation work offers a powerful way to look beneath the surface—honouring love, loyalty, and the deeper movements that shape our intimate lives.
If you would like to explore the soul relationships with your past or present partners, and uncover what may be blocking happiness in a lasting relationship, you are warmly invited to join one of our workshops or book a one-on-one session. If you would like to gain more knowledge about the Orders of Love or become a Family Constellation Facilitator, check out our online training.
Together, we take a close look at your Family System—and what may be asking to be seen.
With Love,
Maia